Friday, April 14, 2006

My eyes are bleeding! My eyes are bleeding!

I woke up one morning and noticed that the whites of my eyes had turned red. When I got in to see the doctor, he said, "Whoa! It's as if you're bleeding out your eyes." And I said, "Is that a legitimate medical opinion, because it doesn't really sound like one." And he said, "What, just because I'm a doctor, does that mean I'm not allowed to use descriptive language?" And I said, "I'm aware of what it looks like, but I was hoping to get a clinical diagnosis. That's why I came here." "Fine," he said in a bit of a huff, "you're having a massive stroke. Happy now?" I wasn't. I would have preferred the bloody eyes, truth be told.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

How Lenny Chookoo lost his arm

A bunch of us at work were having lunch together when I asked Lenny Chookoo how he lost his arm. He told me that it got caught in a subway train door and wrenched off when the train dragged him into the tunnel. I laughed because I thought he was joking, but stopped when I noticed no one else was laughing. When I stopped, they all started laughing at me, because, apparently, it was funny to see me in discomfort. Then Lenny Chookoo had a heart attack and died and everyone stopped laughing - except for me. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. "Who's uncomfortable now?" I asked the group. True story.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Shooting for 20,000

I've driven over 15,000 miles since last changing the oil in my car. I'm trying to reach 20,000 before changing it, but my car's starting to make this awful grinding noise and emitting a powerful, death-like stench. I think it's related, although it may also have something to do with the cat I ran over last week.