I have a perfectly good explanation for why I was touching Shirley LaFoiegras's ass

I had dropped a piece of a cupcake on the seat next to me at lunch the other day just before Shirley LaFoiegras sat in it. When she stood, I tried to swipe it off before she noticed it and blamed me. She felt my hand on her ass, spun around and yelled, "You better have a perfectly good explanation for touching my ass!" Before I could tell her that, yes, indeed, I did have a perfectly good explanation for touching her ass, she slapped me, hard. The entire lunchroom grew silent. I was furious. "Well, guess what, Shirley," I yelled at her as she was walking away, "sometimes it rains, sometimes it's sunny, sometimes there are clouds, and other times it snows. It's the weather, for Christ's sake. Who gives a shit?" Nobody had any idea what I was talking about, but Shirley knew. Oh, she knew.