This von Flabflauchflisen's disease is killing me, literally

Before I was diagnosed with von Flabflauchflisen's disease last year, I was convinced I'd live forever. Now, I'm not so sure. As most of you know, von Flabflauchflisen's is a disease that attacks one's central adrenocortical circulatory membrane auto nodules, or CACMANs. Before the diagnosis, I was a happy 35-year-old unemployed man living with his mommy without a care in the world. Today, I'm a 36-year-old unemployed man living with his mommy with diseased CACMANs and a bleak future. What are the symptoms of von Flabflauchflisen's disease? Well, for starters, it causes me to profusely perspire a sweat that reaks of mold. I now excrete solid waste out of my penis and liquid waste out of my ass. I now speak in numbers instead of words. My hair grows inside my head instead of out of it, causing a cramping of the subcranial membrane. My testicles float freely throughout my body. One day I can feel them roaming around my windpipe, the next they're orbiting my shins. My teeth have become alarmingly white and straight. Like a hot stock, my Adam's apple doubled in size and then split into two. My bellybutton is now located on my back, between my shoulder blades. I can now sing like a pre-pubescent English choir boy.

If you haven't guessed it already, I'm writing to ask for your help in the upcoming Walk for von Flabflauchflisen's Disease this weekend. Please make checks payable to me. I'll make sure they find their way to the right people. God bless you all.