Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Quifi MaMa really hurt my feelings, I think

I saw Quifi MaMa walking on the street the other day. (In case you don't recall, Quifi MaMa was my "masseuse" at Madame Shu's Massage parlor before I was banned for screaming out, in the middle of an orgasm, the phrase "That's what I'm talking about!" in a high-pitched, rapid-paced manner that, apparently, formed the same sounds that would be used in Mandarin to describe a dirty peasant whore.) "Hi, Quifi MaMa," I said to her optimistically.
"Why don't you go buy cookies at supermarket!" she barked back at me.
"Well, maybe I will, Quifi MaMa! Maybe I will" I yelled back at her as she walked away.
God, I thought to myself later, that really hurt my feelings. Why did she have to say that to me? And then a few minutes later, after I had some time to digest her insult, I was like, "What the fuck did she mean by that, anyway? Go buy cookies at supermarket?" Let me know if you have any ideas.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Outpatients' Daily Bridge Club Column

Daily Question
You hold: Hearts Q 7, Diamonds A 8 7 5, Spades J 9, Clubs A K 10 6 3. Your partner opens one spade, you respond two clubs, he bids two hearts and you try three diamonds. Partner next bids three spades. What do you say?

Answer
Partner suggests a six-card spade suit with extra strength. You counter by telling him that you didn't appreciate the way he ogled your wife at the country club pool on Saturday. He responds by claiming that he doesn't know what you're talking about. You bid six spades and inform him that, just because he was wearing sunglasses that doesn't mean you couldn't tell where he was looking. He holds and tells you you're crazy, that he's not interested in women who look like Danny Devito. You try three diamonds and flick a lit cigarette toward his fat, stupid face. He bids three clubs, flips the card table over and storms off. Great, you scream after him, we were just about to run a major suit.