My life's most embarrassing moments have a single common denominator: my ass

My ass seems to be involved in just about every one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. For instance, there was the time I was toasting my former boss at his retirement party when I inadvertantly let one fly. The noise was unmistable and there was no way out other than to pretend like it never happened, which everyone knew it had. People in my office started referring to me as the Toot Master, instead of, you know, the Toast Master. "Hey, Toot Master!" someone called to me across the office diningroom the next day. "Nice speech last night. It really blew me away!" I pretended like I didn't hear him. "Yeah," said Shirley LaFoiegras, who was sitting at my table, "it was a real gas!" Shirley laughed at her own lame, predictable joke louder than a typical person can scream, with bits of food and spittle flying out of her cow-like mouth. I broke my old-school glass Coke bottle over her head and stormed out. A man can only be so tolerant.